When I think of you
my past pain
vanishes
and all I see
is todays smile
emerge
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Dumbass Poem
Where's my pride?!
Dammit!
It was here
just a minute ago!
& now
here you are
and i've nowhere to hide.....
Dammit!
It was here
just a minute ago!
& now
here you are
and i've nowhere to hide.....
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Bored and Confused
Before I start rambling about the pinball in my brain, I want to mention the ridiculous extents scholarship institutions require of students. I was looking at financial aid possibilities for next year and found a scholarship in which I'd be required to write a paper about the incarceration of youth. It's a topic right up my spine, so I checked it out, and they wanted a 15-25 page PAGE research paper for an award of $250. What kind of desperate idiot do they think I am? But there is some poor junior willing to do it. Fuck that, I say!
Anyway, so I'm back from Spring Break and I'm finding myself bored. It's like spring break taught me more about myself and the world in one week than I've learned all semester. Then there's that nagging feeling that I'm not going to get much out of the rest of the year. Maybe it's just paranoia or insecurity, but when my professors speak now, I feel like I've already heard it. My depersonalization disorder kicks in and I scoot away to fairer lands. It's sad, really. I was so excited and empassioned by their voices, stories, and information, in the beginning. The honeymoon phase has definately ended and if I want this relationship to maintain a simmer for 2 more months, I'm going to have to spice it myself. Damn! But, on the plus side, I'm almost done. Whoot whoot!
Another thing knockin around, besides literally freaking out about not having unique ideas, is this whole Twitter craze. Really people?! Like facebook, myspace, texting, and a cell phone aren't enough? This shit is replacing good 'ole face-to-face interaction. Even I, Little Miss Amish, has given serious thought to breaking down and getting a cell phone. But it's kind of like interpersonal interaction is a "relationship" and texting is just "casual sex." And I'm getting to an age where I want more than just a quick orgasm. Granted, quickies have their place, but I want all night lovin and a cuddle in the morning. I'm even willing to work on my self and my communication skills to make it happen. Hell, I deserve more, and I think you do, too. So, I'll continue to refrain from buying an iPhone and joining the Twitter hype. Besides, I'm a leader, not a follower.
Lastly, why do I feel the need to keep busy? Why can't I learn to relax? Is it some social gender construction? Is it my personality? Is it the looming fear of labeling? Damn. I just want to chill for a minute without judging myself, ya know?
Anyway, so my blog isn't turning out to be an answer to my professor's challenge. It's kind of a bummer, really. I was looking forward to writing abstractions. My professor suggested I write a paper on "as." I thought this was genius, and discussed the topic with Matt. But once it was out of my mouth, I didn't want to put it on paper. Basically, "as" is a labeling term, a term another uses to define you rather than a self-defining term. Whatever. If you disagree, shut me up.
Anyway, so I'm back from Spring Break and I'm finding myself bored. It's like spring break taught me more about myself and the world in one week than I've learned all semester. Then there's that nagging feeling that I'm not going to get much out of the rest of the year. Maybe it's just paranoia or insecurity, but when my professors speak now, I feel like I've already heard it. My depersonalization disorder kicks in and I scoot away to fairer lands. It's sad, really. I was so excited and empassioned by their voices, stories, and information, in the beginning. The honeymoon phase has definately ended and if I want this relationship to maintain a simmer for 2 more months, I'm going to have to spice it myself. Damn! But, on the plus side, I'm almost done. Whoot whoot!
Another thing knockin around, besides literally freaking out about not having unique ideas, is this whole Twitter craze. Really people?! Like facebook, myspace, texting, and a cell phone aren't enough? This shit is replacing good 'ole face-to-face interaction. Even I, Little Miss Amish, has given serious thought to breaking down and getting a cell phone. But it's kind of like interpersonal interaction is a "relationship" and texting is just "casual sex." And I'm getting to an age where I want more than just a quick orgasm. Granted, quickies have their place, but I want all night lovin and a cuddle in the morning. I'm even willing to work on my self and my communication skills to make it happen. Hell, I deserve more, and I think you do, too. So, I'll continue to refrain from buying an iPhone and joining the Twitter hype. Besides, I'm a leader, not a follower.
Lastly, why do I feel the need to keep busy? Why can't I learn to relax? Is it some social gender construction? Is it my personality? Is it the looming fear of labeling? Damn. I just want to chill for a minute without judging myself, ya know?
Anyway, so my blog isn't turning out to be an answer to my professor's challenge. It's kind of a bummer, really. I was looking forward to writing abstractions. My professor suggested I write a paper on "as." I thought this was genius, and discussed the topic with Matt. But once it was out of my mouth, I didn't want to put it on paper. Basically, "as" is a labeling term, a term another uses to define you rather than a self-defining term. Whatever. If you disagree, shut me up.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Spring Break 2009
I needed to come home. I have a tendency to lose myself and need to be reminded every now and then of where I come from, of who I am. As soon as I stepped off the plane, I saw Meex & Wap. Damn boy got big! :-) At first he acted shy (I know, right?!) but then he came up and hugged me and latched on. Of course I cried.
That night (Saturday) my sisters and I went to the bar and ran into a couple women we knew, just be luck of the draw. We were having such a blast that the bar poured us a round of shots on the house! That's never happened before. I'm givin credit to Meex.
The rest of the week was pretty chill and the weather was fanfuckintastic. I bummed around my sister's house and played with the boys, even went to the Parade. Omar can talk so well now and Naba is tall. Trenton lost a tooth and Menominee is still doin his "Everybody hates me!" routine. Love it!
I didn't know what to think about Karie. I didn't really get to see much of her, which is odd since she's so close, but whatever. We both know what's up and that my door is always open to her.
I ran to the rez to see my old preschool room. The kids hadn't changed a bit, but the room and teacher definately had. It was a little odd being in the room that was once mine and Nikki's, but it was cool seeing the changes. They were all very positive. And I gotta admit I missed some of the staff members. ;-)
I hung out with John, an old roommate I hadn't seen in years. 7 years to be exact. It was nice and fun but that's too long to not see people I care about. So, I've decided I'm going to push seeing Josh this summer, and if no one wants to go, I'll make the drive myself.
Today is my last day here, and I'm sad. Of course I'm sad. My heart is breaking all over again and I did it to myself. I knew what my choices would lead me to, and yet....I don't regret coming home, not at all, but I do regret some of the things I did (or didn't do), and that's what weighs on my mind. It went too quickly.
I'm not looking forward to the Minnesotan weather or all those damn papers I tried (and failed) to write before I left. But, on the other hand, I learned a couple things about myself (and human nature) on this trip, I made some decisions that needed to be made, and reconnected with an old friend. So I guess I cut my losses, huh? Ian once said I shouldn't think so much, so if anyone has any ideas on how I can make that happen, hell, I'm listening.
That night (Saturday) my sisters and I went to the bar and ran into a couple women we knew, just be luck of the draw. We were having such a blast that the bar poured us a round of shots on the house! That's never happened before. I'm givin credit to Meex.
The rest of the week was pretty chill and the weather was fanfuckintastic. I bummed around my sister's house and played with the boys, even went to the Parade. Omar can talk so well now and Naba is tall. Trenton lost a tooth and Menominee is still doin his "Everybody hates me!" routine. Love it!
I didn't know what to think about Karie. I didn't really get to see much of her, which is odd since she's so close, but whatever. We both know what's up and that my door is always open to her.
I ran to the rez to see my old preschool room. The kids hadn't changed a bit, but the room and teacher definately had. It was a little odd being in the room that was once mine and Nikki's, but it was cool seeing the changes. They were all very positive. And I gotta admit I missed some of the staff members. ;-)
I hung out with John, an old roommate I hadn't seen in years. 7 years to be exact. It was nice and fun but that's too long to not see people I care about. So, I've decided I'm going to push seeing Josh this summer, and if no one wants to go, I'll make the drive myself.
Today is my last day here, and I'm sad. Of course I'm sad. My heart is breaking all over again and I did it to myself. I knew what my choices would lead me to, and yet....I don't regret coming home, not at all, but I do regret some of the things I did (or didn't do), and that's what weighs on my mind. It went too quickly.
I'm not looking forward to the Minnesotan weather or all those damn papers I tried (and failed) to write before I left. But, on the other hand, I learned a couple things about myself (and human nature) on this trip, I made some decisions that needed to be made, and reconnected with an old friend. So I guess I cut my losses, huh? Ian once said I shouldn't think so much, so if anyone has any ideas on how I can make that happen, hell, I'm listening.
Friday, February 27, 2009
Lunch at Sally's
I finally got to meet Gala for brunch today. Yay! About time, huh? Considering we've been trying to get together since January. Oh well, we're adults, it happens. It's just so ironic when you think about it, though. I saw the woman more when I lived 500 miles away!
Anyway, of course we had amazing conversation. We shared some intimate details of our lives (oh come on, we're women, like we wouldn't do that) and, surprisingly, sex didn't come up at all! Relationships in general only ate up about 10 minutes. Dang, I guess we really are adults. Bummer.
The conversation quickly moved on to our shared passions: youth and race. I'm so lucky to have friends who use their brains and actually want to discuss issues that truly pertain to our lives. Granted, a little Rhianna gossip doesn't hurt anyone (except Rhianna, but she's not a close personal friend of mine. Besides, even though it is completely immoral, at least I'm not rakin in the dough from my leaked photos, right? Morality. Damn you dad! Why did you have to raise me as me?!), but I much prefer to investigate life as an ongoing process, like a trip down the Nile, rather than a stagnant, mosquito-filled kiddie pool. Who the hell wants to just get their ankles wet when they could potentially have a cool ass pirahna scar? Seriously.
Gala is always an enlightening force in my life. That's wh I love her. She's so damn smart, but not in that elitist way, ahem, TE!! :-) Honestly, though, I really am bothered when people feel the need to tattoo their ACT score on their foreheads. Really, people? You're thoughts and actions can't act as a megaphone? Maybe you're not as learned (that's learn-ed, not learn'd) as you want us all to think. I know I sure the fuck am not. I pretend, though I get called out (thanks, friends). It's all good, though. I like knowing the people I surround myself with are smarter, more experienced, and more passionate than me, or at least comparable to me. It's an incentive, right James?
Ok, time to pull on my mucklucks and troop across the M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. I want to go to this "Coffee Talk" about graffiti and it's effects on the economy, then off to see Joel McHale (it's ok, be jealous) tonight with Jane and Jeff!
Anyway, of course we had amazing conversation. We shared some intimate details of our lives (oh come on, we're women, like we wouldn't do that) and, surprisingly, sex didn't come up at all! Relationships in general only ate up about 10 minutes. Dang, I guess we really are adults. Bummer.
The conversation quickly moved on to our shared passions: youth and race. I'm so lucky to have friends who use their brains and actually want to discuss issues that truly pertain to our lives. Granted, a little Rhianna gossip doesn't hurt anyone (except Rhianna, but she's not a close personal friend of mine. Besides, even though it is completely immoral, at least I'm not rakin in the dough from my leaked photos, right? Morality. Damn you dad! Why did you have to raise me as me?!), but I much prefer to investigate life as an ongoing process, like a trip down the Nile, rather than a stagnant, mosquito-filled kiddie pool. Who the hell wants to just get their ankles wet when they could potentially have a cool ass pirahna scar? Seriously.
Gala is always an enlightening force in my life. That's wh I love her. She's so damn smart, but not in that elitist way, ahem, TE!! :-) Honestly, though, I really am bothered when people feel the need to tattoo their ACT score on their foreheads. Really, people? You're thoughts and actions can't act as a megaphone? Maybe you're not as learned (that's learn-ed, not learn'd) as you want us all to think. I know I sure the fuck am not. I pretend, though I get called out (thanks, friends). It's all good, though. I like knowing the people I surround myself with are smarter, more experienced, and more passionate than me, or at least comparable to me. It's an incentive, right James?
Ok, time to pull on my mucklucks and troop across the M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. I want to go to this "Coffee Talk" about graffiti and it's effects on the economy, then off to see Joel McHale (it's ok, be jealous) tonight with Jane and Jeff!
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Stream of Consciousness Writing
One of my professors has challenged me to write. He didn't give me a topic, just the challenge. It's a very freeing experience when you put it into context: an academic authority handing you the power to learn. Where do I sign on?!
Of course, right now my thoughts are pretty narrow, being subjected to the environment in which they are developing. I wish I could be ingenious with the ability to create out of thin air, but that's never been me. I'm not a storyteller. I'm a feeler, so I write about that which has penetrated my soul, that which has made living a reality and not just a concept.
Today I've decided to write a response to the book my professor borrowed me. It's a book written by 2 of his grad students, under his advising. I'm only in Chapter One, so my grasp of the ideas may evolve as the book contends itself, but for now, I'm just going for it.
One of the first sentences that grabbed me was "define youth as a social and not a biological category" (James, Jenks, & Prout, 1998). I thought this was genius! So often we label based upon age rather than experience. It's refreshing to think of age as a gauge based on one's pursuit (and application of) knowledge, experience, and understanding rather than merely a physiological design. To see age as an outcome of one's success at nurture rather than nature revolutioned my imagination. It gave me a headache! This view pursues a dissolving of ageism and supports equal opportunity (which, as we all know, is a highly debatable topic in my world!) It also brings up (just as it does in the book), the idea of citizenship, which really pisses me off!
A citizen, as defined by Merriam Webster, is "a person who owes allegiance to a government and is entitled to its protection." I had never looked up the definition of citizen before, and was shocked to discover that an agency presumes an indebtedness from those born under it's flag. I was also amazed that the words "owes" and "entitled" were within the same definition. How odd. Citizenship, in this manner, proposes that we are not entitled unless we pay our dues. Kind of like at a country club or sorority. I never rushed, did you?
The last reaction I got from Chapter 1 was: (yep, I'm gonna just copy my handwritten notes)
There exists a major conflict between adult perception of youth and youth perception of youth. However, adults are the powerful. They (we) create youth, mold youth, perpare and even establish youth culture through marketing, education, media, and stereotypes without direct consultation from youth. Then, using mediums they (we've) created, adults continue to perpetuate moral panic, which is wholly an adult construct as it, too, is created by adults through, oftentimes, misinterpreted, omitted, or deceiving facts and/or statistics. The amazing thing is that adults [supposedly] want the best for young people while simultaneously expecting, and even directly causing, failure through their (our) own powerful institutions.
Also, we know young people will typically follow the adult behavior model. Adults are the conduits to which young people become adults and young people learn adult behavior by and through the very institutions adults manipulate to destroy youth image. Essentially, adults are mismanaging youth culture with disgusting ignorance (and arrogance?). So, the questions become 1) do we change adult instituions versus changing youth institutions 2) can we enlighten adults to the folly of adult institutions (for adults will fiercely defend their correctness) and 3) (which is off topic, but arose during my thought process) is an adult who has lived through being young more knowledgable about doing youth than the youth him/herself? Who is the foreman in young people's lives?
As I see it, youth issues happen. X,P,U happen, and the moral panic is ballooned by adults. Adults decide what issues to balloon and, therefore, which issues to "fix." But what about youth issues that do not impact adult morality? Are these topics simply trivial, even though their significance in the lives of youth is far from minimal? Why are youth not involved in the process of "fixing" their own problems?! Youth engagement seems, to me, to be the nucleus of any cell, regardless of it's effect (or role) within the larger body system (social/political/etc). A system cannot breathe, succeed, live without cooperative cellular activity. We need their input, their "civic engagement" if you will, to maximize healthy social reproduction.
Thoughts? Either on my writing style, content of the writing, or anything else?
Of course, right now my thoughts are pretty narrow, being subjected to the environment in which they are developing. I wish I could be ingenious with the ability to create out of thin air, but that's never been me. I'm not a storyteller. I'm a feeler, so I write about that which has penetrated my soul, that which has made living a reality and not just a concept.
Today I've decided to write a response to the book my professor borrowed me. It's a book written by 2 of his grad students, under his advising. I'm only in Chapter One, so my grasp of the ideas may evolve as the book contends itself, but for now, I'm just going for it.
One of the first sentences that grabbed me was "define youth as a social and not a biological category" (James, Jenks, & Prout, 1998). I thought this was genius! So often we label based upon age rather than experience. It's refreshing to think of age as a gauge based on one's pursuit (and application of) knowledge, experience, and understanding rather than merely a physiological design. To see age as an outcome of one's success at nurture rather than nature revolutioned my imagination. It gave me a headache! This view pursues a dissolving of ageism and supports equal opportunity (which, as we all know, is a highly debatable topic in my world!) It also brings up (just as it does in the book), the idea of citizenship, which really pisses me off!
A citizen, as defined by Merriam Webster, is "a person who owes allegiance to a government and is entitled to its protection." I had never looked up the definition of citizen before, and was shocked to discover that an agency presumes an indebtedness from those born under it's flag. I was also amazed that the words "owes" and "entitled" were within the same definition. How odd. Citizenship, in this manner, proposes that we are not entitled unless we pay our dues. Kind of like at a country club or sorority. I never rushed, did you?
The last reaction I got from Chapter 1 was: (yep, I'm gonna just copy my handwritten notes)
There exists a major conflict between adult perception of youth and youth perception of youth. However, adults are the powerful. They (we) create youth, mold youth, perpare and even establish youth culture through marketing, education, media, and stereotypes without direct consultation from youth. Then, using mediums they (we've) created, adults continue to perpetuate moral panic, which is wholly an adult construct as it, too, is created by adults through, oftentimes, misinterpreted, omitted, or deceiving facts and/or statistics. The amazing thing is that adults [supposedly] want the best for young people while simultaneously expecting, and even directly causing, failure through their (our) own powerful institutions.
Also, we know young people will typically follow the adult behavior model. Adults are the conduits to which young people become adults and young people learn adult behavior by and through the very institutions adults manipulate to destroy youth image. Essentially, adults are mismanaging youth culture with disgusting ignorance (and arrogance?). So, the questions become 1) do we change adult instituions versus changing youth institutions 2) can we enlighten adults to the folly of adult institutions (for adults will fiercely defend their correctness) and 3) (which is off topic, but arose during my thought process) is an adult who has lived through being young more knowledgable about doing youth than the youth him/herself? Who is the foreman in young people's lives?
As I see it, youth issues happen. X,P,U happen, and the moral panic is ballooned by adults. Adults decide what issues to balloon and, therefore, which issues to "fix." But what about youth issues that do not impact adult morality? Are these topics simply trivial, even though their significance in the lives of youth is far from minimal? Why are youth not involved in the process of "fixing" their own problems?! Youth engagement seems, to me, to be the nucleus of any cell, regardless of it's effect (or role) within the larger body system (social/political/etc). A system cannot breathe, succeed, live without cooperative cellular activity. We need their input, their "civic engagement" if you will, to maximize healthy social reproduction.
Thoughts? Either on my writing style, content of the writing, or anything else?
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