Bored and Confused

Before I start rambling about the pinball in my brain, I want to mention the ridiculous extents scholarship institutions require of students. I was looking at financial aid possibilities for next year and found a scholarship in which I'd be required to write a paper about the incarceration of youth. It's a topic right up my spine, so I checked it out, and they wanted a 15-25 page PAGE research paper for an award of $250. What kind of desperate idiot do they think I am? But there is some poor junior willing to do it. Fuck that, I say!

Anyway, so I'm back from Spring Break and I'm finding myself bored. It's like spring break taught me more about myself and the world in one week than I've learned all semester. Then there's that nagging feeling that I'm not going to get much out of the rest of the year. Maybe it's just paranoia or insecurity, but when my professors speak now, I feel like I've already heard it. My depersonalization disorder kicks in and I scoot away to fairer lands. It's sad, really. I was so excited and empassioned by their voices, stories, and information, in the beginning. The honeymoon phase has definately ended and if I want this relationship to maintain a simmer for 2 more months, I'm going to have to spice it myself. Damn! But, on the plus side, I'm almost done. Whoot whoot!

Another thing knockin around, besides literally freaking out about not having unique ideas, is this whole Twitter craze. Really people?! Like facebook, myspace, texting, and a cell phone aren't enough? This shit is replacing good 'ole face-to-face interaction. Even I, Little Miss Amish, has given serious thought to breaking down and getting a cell phone. But it's kind of like interpersonal interaction is a "relationship" and texting is just "casual sex." And I'm getting to an age where I want more than just a quick orgasm. Granted, quickies have their place, but I want all night lovin and a cuddle in the morning. I'm even willing to work on my self and my communication skills to make it happen. Hell, I deserve more, and I think you do, too. So, I'll continue to refrain from buying an iPhone and joining the Twitter hype. Besides, I'm a leader, not a follower.

Lastly, why do I feel the need to keep busy? Why can't I learn to relax? Is it some social gender construction? Is it my personality? Is it the looming fear of labeling? Damn. I just want to chill for a minute without judging myself, ya know?

Anyway, so my blog isn't turning out to be an answer to my professor's challenge. It's kind of a bummer, really. I was looking forward to writing abstractions. My professor suggested I write a paper on "as." I thought this was genius, and discussed the topic with Matt. But once it was out of my mouth, I didn't want to put it on paper. Basically, "as" is a labeling term, a term another uses to define you rather than a self-defining term. Whatever. If you disagree, shut me up.