Naked

I stood here

stripped of everything

once

holy to my soul

wild and vulnerable

free and growing

never knowing

how quickly time passed

when life is naked

as it was born

unweighted

by threads of fear

and i fell in love

for the first time

Finding the Road

I was a dear

Blinded by your light

Confused

Just

Trying to cross

Over

Into something

Safe and natural

Those three words

Almost destroyed me

Almost

Splattered my heart

Across a stream

Of tears

I did not shed

Aloud

For lovely creatures

Only scream in agony

And lucky me

Our final kiss

Snuffed your light

And released me

2009

The year was 2009
in and out of love
3 times
I cried
Once
For fantastic promises
Broken by reality
Once
For mistakenly gifting
My lucky charm
And once
For the loss
Of great possibility
But
Do not fret
For the year was 2009
And I
was
in and out of love
3 times

Theme of the Day: Alone

How do you go from being lonely to just alone? The secret is in your own self comfort.

you decide

The lines on your skin
betray innocence
the sharp white traces
of my fingertips
followed by red flesh
heard no pain muttered
and that's when I knew
you've been here before
and my joy was gone.
i was not unique.

Broken Promises

Filling my lungs
with promises
I know I will not keep
burns my tongue
and dries my eyes
free of tears
but I could not bare
the sadness on your face
when I spoke the truth
Your little soul
betrayed
by my maliciousness
will be
my secret.
alone.

losing my mid

I'm terrified of letting go because, if I do, I may lose my mind. Being lost is only fun when you have the comfort of knowing you're really not. Otherwise, it's dangerous, scary, and alone.

Warm But Alone

A security blanket
quilted in toxins
keeps me alone
but warm
at night.

I snuggle in my weakness
& pull it
over my eyes
to hide me
from my own strength.

I need to peek/peak
and see
the life
that awaits me.

love is my favorite emotion

I think only a weak love needs grandeur for a grand love can stand without weak supports, don't ya think?

maybe it's immoral but....

How big is God's penis? And are the puny ones or the donkey kongs supposed to be the punchline? I guess....is your God cruel or funny?

not a metaphorical question

How does a laugh turn happiness into love

self brutality is a must

who knew finding myself would cost me everything

a whorin hart

Even whores have hearts
or
what is a whore without a heart

ignorant intent

Which matters more: the word or the intent? if the word, then you're an ignorant. If the intent, then I'm an ignorant. Either way, the conversation is meaningless.

ur sound

I wonder how the sounds of your love differ from the sounds of your sex

Carnal Buffet

Give me a fork
so I may feast
on carnal sin.
How mouthwatering!
My tongue
savoring the meat
so tender.
Your weak
stomache
never could handle
such delicacies.
You shit
upon yourself
like a child
& again
like an infant
always wanton
the tastes
meant for men.

To the punks who keep fucking with my window

Dear Window Toucher,

I know my car holds all kinds of wonder and enjoyment. Its got that cracked windshield and 4-wheel drive, and there's a certain magic bursting from the rusted muffler. If you're anything like me then the crap that fills my trunk just calls your name. I know, and understand, but dammit man, please quit FUCKING with my window. This shit is not funny anymore. I know the rattle and missing side-paneling make playing with the sliding glass o-so-much-fun, but really, not when it's raining, dude. That makes you an asshole. I mean, I already kinda suspected when you dumped my ashtray IN my car instead of the parking lot (ok, so I don't have to smoke, but that's my suicide, so here's the bird) when you stole my bangin stereo circa 1999. I mean, that radio was the sole purpose behind my purchase, well, that and the fact that my Rodeo is great for tailgating. (You have no idea how many wonderful nights have been spent on, in, or around that tailgate. mmmm....memories!)

All I'm asking is that you leave the window alone on days when it's hailing, is that too much to ask? Cuz for real, I don't care so much on the sunny days because, well, let's face it, Hellboy isn't such a hot bastard by the time I get home. You're actually helping me out a lil. Deal?

Sincerely,

the owner

Drama-Rama

Drama is a flame that just will not be put out. And the more water used, the more the smoke fills your eyes, and that shit burns!

Drama is my my mama, though. It birthed me, cuddled me in my infancy, spanked my ass as a teenager, and then, cuz I was (nope, scratch that AM) a rez bunny, I decided to marry the bitch in an incestuous and lavish ceremony. But, and I know I've said this before, I'm leaving the damn psycho. She's crazy and makes my life a living hell. She was fun when we were young and drunk and flying high on ecstacy, but now I'm just too old for her punishments and tantrums. I'm gonna need a good lawyer and a bottle of Kettle One for this breakup, and maybe even a Restraining Order. I'm scared!

edited email to Mr. Bob

you "scoff" at knowledge being the enemy of faith, huh? lol...i love you! i know it's the religious clamor for life-sustaining technology, and I also agree with you that they fear death, which I do no understand. life and death not only make the cornerstone of religion, they're the only truths in this world. we are born and we die. however, without this fear of death there would be no need for religion? and what's with this almost-obsessive need to live altruistically? Why do we avoid hurting one and not another? What is to come of selective emotional availability?

What I've taken into myself this summer is a lesson on self-committment. After John and I broke up I pretty much lost my shit. Meex said she's never seen me so emotional over a partner, not even after 4 years of abuse and ego-damage with Aaron. I think the reason for this is because, for the first time in my adult life, I was honest, faithful, and vulnerable to myself and my partner. I allowed myself, for the first time, to really fall in love. It's sad to say that, at 30 years old, I've only been in love once, and to a man who really didn't deserve it.

All I can say is that this heartbreak, as boring as it is, changed me, for better or worse. I'm done with loving others just for the sake of loving them. I'm done with giving myself wholly to people in hopes that they will honor my attempt with similar respect and courtesy. i'm done trying to live my life good for other people. William Blake wrote "Love seeketh not itself to please" which i totally believed in until this summer. Now I think love seeketh only itself to please because it cannot please others until itself is satisfied. i know this is a tangent, and i'm still trying to figure things out, but i'm working on it.

I'm done with a lot of bullshit, including others who live their lives for fear of God or fear of death. I told a certain friend of mine that I like him because he gives me freedom, which most people cannot do because they're afraid. He asked afraid of what and I said afraid of being inferior, being left behind, or being hurt. Giving another person complete freedom requires strength and confidence. He said he never thought of it like that and, honestly, neither had I til that moment. Cormac McCarthy wrote "they only fear dying in bed" and he didn't mean it as in afraid of dying while fucking, he meant fear that they would die in their sleep, while they were not out living. I think, if I'm going to pick any fear to have from now on, that will be it.

Death

I can see those mischevious lil creatures roamin' 'round this house, stirring up trouble to take the focus away from their motivation. Who knew death was so polite?

LOVE!!! and learn to love it

My Quote, Dammit

Why hang another man's quote when the key to life lies within your own heart and mind?

murder

If I kill a man, will it really matter to anyone other than him?

question

is a committment really necessary to anyone but yourself? if you hold true to you, won't you hold true to others? don't cave in to their insecurities

welcome to the dark side

I adore stories that begin “Once upon a time.” They assume all that is sacred in human nature: love, resiliency, and a happy ending. But, if you’re hoping for a fancy scripted The End at the close of this tale, stop now. You will not find it. True, my life has been full of magic, as has yours. I do not want to ever diminish the wonder that has captivated me at certain crossroads. I, too, can pinpoint moments where God has delivered Himself to me in an effort to strengthen my faith. I’ve known time-bending, pure, unconditional love. I’ve laughed so hard my jaw quivered and my belly ached for days afterward. I’ve held moments too chaste to be anything less than holy.
However, it’s been told to me that hell is not a physical location but, rather, a self-design. It is a place created by my own psyche. If this is true, then the same can be said of heaven. I’ve witnessed heaven, but have been rejected by hell. And trust me when I say there is no torture greater than the devil’s intolerance.
When I was a little girl I didn’t know life could offer such regret. Do I miss the ignorance? To be honest, some times. There are months when I forget to giggle and my eyes don’t shine. But, for the whole, knowing my threshold for life is far more rewarding than make-believe affections. I rely on this knowledge, thrive in it, even. Some would say it is my shield against virtue, for your innocence terrifies me. It is unpredictable and inexperienced. Besides, the cannibal inside me devoured my childhood too long ago and my skin burns in the light, so I shield myself in the shadows. It’s justifiable. Humans are deviant creatures; far more absurd, irrational, and dangerous than any other ever dreamt. This I understand because of my familiarity in shaking hands with the demons. I know their voices, their gaits, and the residue of a defeated soul.

it's my affair

do not
let our lips meet
it will shatter her heart
and you will die
of guilt

Warning Will Rogers

Do not touch that which you are not prepared to buy.

short thought

Do not define your soul; let it walk and explore, for then shall it unearth joys and tortures unfathomable if caged.

fill in the blank

Time is _______
:pliable
:mendable
:bendable
:ageless
like the pain of pleasure
in one's own heart

another stupid poem

I think critically
about my emotions
turning them
before defining them
as if they were a prism
and i must see
each brilliant color
inside
before i can call it a rainbow
but, sometimes
i can know
each bright stripe
but blue is still blue

stupid poetry

it's your choice
everyday
consciously
or rather
inherently
to love
or receive
to deflect
or avoid
and happiness
or sorrow
too
is but for you
and your mind
i will be here
with pain of my own
not to solve
or dissolve
but
to listen
and share
and embrace
your beautiful release

thought on the bus

Until you find God in yourself--you will not find Him in that book or behind those doors. No man's words will penetrate nor comprehend for you His grace until you are capable of shutting off the noise to listen to the silence of His golden voice.

My People

so I wrote this literally in 1 minute as an assignment for my Youth & Theatre class:

My people bitch & complain
but
they watch over me
with loving hearts
and
words of strength
they define me
when i'm confused
and support me
when i'm sure

Random Musings

When the underprivileged do their civic duty and help others, others with less than them, it's called nothing and seen as part of a necessity to poverty. When the upper class do their civic duty it's called volunteerism or charity, and praised.

_____________________________________________________________________


The poor raise their children in an environment that motivates and supports the community--women-centered kinship--but this shared poverty is cyclical--allowing none the ability to accumulate personal wealth. What must occur, then, is the community must support a single person at a time, with the understanding they're turn comes next, the one supported will return with more resources for the shared community. Allow one to leave who will come back with a hand.

Untitled

you say you're happy
with me
but
her death
was your suicide

If I hate poetry
so
damn
much
why do I create it?

Love Crap

When I think of you
my past pain
vanishes
and all I see
is todays smile
emerge

Dumbass Poem

Where's my pride?!
Dammit!
It was here
just a minute ago!
& now
here you are
and i've nowhere to hide.....

Fetish One

Ouch!
My feet!
Fucking
ugly
shoes
that don't fit
and
make my feet
ugly
and
not fit
for fucking

Bored and Confused

Before I start rambling about the pinball in my brain, I want to mention the ridiculous extents scholarship institutions require of students. I was looking at financial aid possibilities for next year and found a scholarship in which I'd be required to write a paper about the incarceration of youth. It's a topic right up my spine, so I checked it out, and they wanted a 15-25 page PAGE research paper for an award of $250. What kind of desperate idiot do they think I am? But there is some poor junior willing to do it. Fuck that, I say!

Anyway, so I'm back from Spring Break and I'm finding myself bored. It's like spring break taught me more about myself and the world in one week than I've learned all semester. Then there's that nagging feeling that I'm not going to get much out of the rest of the year. Maybe it's just paranoia or insecurity, but when my professors speak now, I feel like I've already heard it. My depersonalization disorder kicks in and I scoot away to fairer lands. It's sad, really. I was so excited and empassioned by their voices, stories, and information, in the beginning. The honeymoon phase has definately ended and if I want this relationship to maintain a simmer for 2 more months, I'm going to have to spice it myself. Damn! But, on the plus side, I'm almost done. Whoot whoot!

Another thing knockin around, besides literally freaking out about not having unique ideas, is this whole Twitter craze. Really people?! Like facebook, myspace, texting, and a cell phone aren't enough? This shit is replacing good 'ole face-to-face interaction. Even I, Little Miss Amish, has given serious thought to breaking down and getting a cell phone. But it's kind of like interpersonal interaction is a "relationship" and texting is just "casual sex." And I'm getting to an age where I want more than just a quick orgasm. Granted, quickies have their place, but I want all night lovin and a cuddle in the morning. I'm even willing to work on my self and my communication skills to make it happen. Hell, I deserve more, and I think you do, too. So, I'll continue to refrain from buying an iPhone and joining the Twitter hype. Besides, I'm a leader, not a follower.

Lastly, why do I feel the need to keep busy? Why can't I learn to relax? Is it some social gender construction? Is it my personality? Is it the looming fear of labeling? Damn. I just want to chill for a minute without judging myself, ya know?

Anyway, so my blog isn't turning out to be an answer to my professor's challenge. It's kind of a bummer, really. I was looking forward to writing abstractions. My professor suggested I write a paper on "as." I thought this was genius, and discussed the topic with Matt. But once it was out of my mouth, I didn't want to put it on paper. Basically, "as" is a labeling term, a term another uses to define you rather than a self-defining term. Whatever. If you disagree, shut me up.

Spring Break 2009

I needed to come home. I have a tendency to lose myself and need to be reminded every now and then of where I come from, of who I am. As soon as I stepped off the plane, I saw Meex & Wap. Damn boy got big! :-) At first he acted shy (I know, right?!) but then he came up and hugged me and latched on. Of course I cried.

That night (Saturday) my sisters and I went to the bar and ran into a couple women we knew, just be luck of the draw. We were having such a blast that the bar poured us a round of shots on the house! That's never happened before. I'm givin credit to Meex.

The rest of the week was pretty chill and the weather was fanfuckintastic. I bummed around my sister's house and played with the boys, even went to the Parade. Omar can talk so well now and Naba is tall. Trenton lost a tooth and Menominee is still doin his "Everybody hates me!" routine. Love it!

I didn't know what to think about Karie. I didn't really get to see much of her, which is odd since she's so close, but whatever. We both know what's up and that my door is always open to her.

I ran to the rez to see my old preschool room. The kids hadn't changed a bit, but the room and teacher definately had. It was a little odd being in the room that was once mine and Nikki's, but it was cool seeing the changes. They were all very positive. And I gotta admit I missed some of the staff members. ;-)

I hung out with John, an old roommate I hadn't seen in years. 7 years to be exact. It was nice and fun but that's too long to not see people I care about. So, I've decided I'm going to push seeing Josh this summer, and if no one wants to go, I'll make the drive myself.

Today is my last day here, and I'm sad. Of course I'm sad. My heart is breaking all over again and I did it to myself. I knew what my choices would lead me to, and yet....I don't regret coming home, not at all, but I do regret some of the things I did (or didn't do), and that's what weighs on my mind. It went too quickly.

I'm not looking forward to the Minnesotan weather or all those damn papers I tried (and failed) to write before I left. But, on the other hand, I learned a couple things about myself (and human nature) on this trip, I made some decisions that needed to be made, and reconnected with an old friend. So I guess I cut my losses, huh? Ian once said I shouldn't think so much, so if anyone has any ideas on how I can make that happen, hell, I'm listening.

Lunch at Sally's

I finally got to meet Gala for brunch today. Yay! About time, huh? Considering we've been trying to get together since January. Oh well, we're adults, it happens. It's just so ironic when you think about it, though. I saw the woman more when I lived 500 miles away!

Anyway, of course we had amazing conversation. We shared some intimate details of our lives (oh come on, we're women, like we wouldn't do that) and, surprisingly, sex didn't come up at all! Relationships in general only ate up about 10 minutes. Dang, I guess we really are adults. Bummer.

The conversation quickly moved on to our shared passions: youth and race. I'm so lucky to have friends who use their brains and actually want to discuss issues that truly pertain to our lives. Granted, a little Rhianna gossip doesn't hurt anyone (except Rhianna, but she's not a close personal friend of mine. Besides, even though it is completely immoral, at least I'm not rakin in the dough from my leaked photos, right? Morality. Damn you dad! Why did you have to raise me as me?!), but I much prefer to investigate life as an ongoing process, like a trip down the Nile, rather than a stagnant, mosquito-filled kiddie pool. Who the hell wants to just get their ankles wet when they could potentially have a cool ass pirahna scar? Seriously.

Gala is always an enlightening force in my life. That's wh I love her. She's so damn smart, but not in that elitist way, ahem, TE!! :-) Honestly, though, I really am bothered when people feel the need to tattoo their ACT score on their foreheads. Really, people? You're thoughts and actions can't act as a megaphone? Maybe you're not as learned (that's learn-ed, not learn'd) as you want us all to think. I know I sure the fuck am not. I pretend, though I get called out (thanks, friends). It's all good, though. I like knowing the people I surround myself with are smarter, more experienced, and more passionate than me, or at least comparable to me. It's an incentive, right James?

Ok, time to pull on my mucklucks and troop across the M-I-S-S-I-S-S-I-P-P-I. I want to go to this "Coffee Talk" about graffiti and it's effects on the economy, then off to see Joel McHale (it's ok, be jealous) tonight with Jane and Jeff!

Stream of Consciousness Writing

One of my professors has challenged me to write. He didn't give me a topic, just the challenge. It's a very freeing experience when you put it into context: an academic authority handing you the power to learn. Where do I sign on?!

Of course, right now my thoughts are pretty narrow, being subjected to the environment in which they are developing. I wish I could be ingenious with the ability to create out of thin air, but that's never been me. I'm not a storyteller. I'm a feeler, so I write about that which has penetrated my soul, that which has made living a reality and not just a concept.

Today I've decided to write a response to the book my professor borrowed me. It's a book written by 2 of his grad students, under his advising. I'm only in Chapter One, so my grasp of the ideas may evolve as the book contends itself, but for now, I'm just going for it.

One of the first sentences that grabbed me was "define youth as a social and not a biological category" (James, Jenks, & Prout, 1998). I thought this was genius! So often we label based upon age rather than experience. It's refreshing to think of age as a gauge based on one's pursuit (and application of) knowledge, experience, and understanding rather than merely a physiological design. To see age as an outcome of one's success at nurture rather than nature revolutioned my imagination. It gave me a headache! This view pursues a dissolving of ageism and supports equal opportunity (which, as we all know, is a highly debatable topic in my world!) It also brings up (just as it does in the book), the idea of citizenship, which really pisses me off!

A citizen, as defined by Merriam Webster, is "a person who owes allegiance to a government and is entitled to its protection." I had never looked up the definition of citizen before, and was shocked to discover that an agency presumes an indebtedness from those born under it's flag. I was also amazed that the words "owes" and "entitled" were within the same definition. How odd. Citizenship, in this manner, proposes that we are not entitled unless we pay our dues. Kind of like at a country club or sorority. I never rushed, did you?

The last reaction I got from Chapter 1 was: (yep, I'm gonna just copy my handwritten notes)

There exists a major conflict between adult perception of youth and youth perception of youth. However, adults are the powerful. They (we) create youth, mold youth, perpare and even establish youth culture through marketing, education, media, and stereotypes without direct consultation from youth. Then, using mediums they (we've) created, adults continue to perpetuate moral panic, which is wholly an adult construct as it, too, is created by adults through, oftentimes, misinterpreted, omitted, or deceiving facts and/or statistics. The amazing thing is that adults [supposedly] want the best for young people while simultaneously expecting, and even directly causing, failure through their (our) own powerful institutions.

Also, we know young people will typically follow the adult behavior model. Adults are the conduits to which young people become adults and young people learn adult behavior by and through the very institutions adults manipulate to destroy youth image. Essentially, adults are mismanaging youth culture with disgusting ignorance (and arrogance?). So, the questions become 1) do we change adult instituions versus changing youth institutions 2) can we enlighten adults to the folly of adult institutions (for adults will fiercely defend their correctness) and 3) (which is off topic, but arose during my thought process) is an adult who has lived through being young more knowledgable about doing youth than the youth him/herself? Who is the foreman in young people's lives?

As I see it, youth issues happen. X,P,U happen, and the moral panic is ballooned by adults. Adults decide what issues to balloon and, therefore, which issues to "fix." But what about youth issues that do not impact adult morality? Are these topics simply trivial, even though their significance in the lives of youth is far from minimal? Why are youth not involved in the process of "fixing" their own problems?! Youth engagement seems, to me, to be the nucleus of any cell, regardless of it's effect (or role) within the larger body system (social/political/etc). A system cannot breathe, succeed, live without cooperative cellular activity. We need their input, their "civic engagement" if you will, to maximize healthy social reproduction.

Thoughts? Either on my writing style, content of the writing, or anything else?