you say you're happy
with me
but
her death
was your suicide
Friday, April 17, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Dumbass Poem
Where's my pride?!
Dammit!
It was here
just a minute ago!
& now
here you are
and i've nowhere to hide.....
Dammit!
It was here
just a minute ago!
& now
here you are
and i've nowhere to hide.....
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Bored and Confused
Before I start rambling about the pinball in my brain, I want to mention the ridiculous extents scholarship institutions require of students. I was looking at financial aid possibilities for next year and found a scholarship in which I'd be required to write a paper about the incarceration of youth. It's a topic right up my spine, so I checked it out, and they wanted a 15-25 page PAGE research paper for an award of $250. What kind of desperate idiot do they think I am? But there is some poor junior willing to do it. Fuck that, I say!
Anyway, so I'm back from Spring Break and I'm finding myself bored. It's like spring break taught me more about myself and the world in one week than I've learned all semester. Then there's that nagging feeling that I'm not going to get much out of the rest of the year. Maybe it's just paranoia or insecurity, but when my professors speak now, I feel like I've already heard it. My depersonalization disorder kicks in and I scoot away to fairer lands. It's sad, really. I was so excited and empassioned by their voices, stories, and information, in the beginning. The honeymoon phase has definately ended and if I want this relationship to maintain a simmer for 2 more months, I'm going to have to spice it myself. Damn! But, on the plus side, I'm almost done. Whoot whoot!
Another thing knockin around, besides literally freaking out about not having unique ideas, is this whole Twitter craze. Really people?! Like facebook, myspace, texting, and a cell phone aren't enough? This shit is replacing good 'ole face-to-face interaction. Even I, Little Miss Amish, has given serious thought to breaking down and getting a cell phone. But it's kind of like interpersonal interaction is a "relationship" and texting is just "casual sex." And I'm getting to an age where I want more than just a quick orgasm. Granted, quickies have their place, but I want all night lovin and a cuddle in the morning. I'm even willing to work on my self and my communication skills to make it happen. Hell, I deserve more, and I think you do, too. So, I'll continue to refrain from buying an iPhone and joining the Twitter hype. Besides, I'm a leader, not a follower.
Lastly, why do I feel the need to keep busy? Why can't I learn to relax? Is it some social gender construction? Is it my personality? Is it the looming fear of labeling? Damn. I just want to chill for a minute without judging myself, ya know?
Anyway, so my blog isn't turning out to be an answer to my professor's challenge. It's kind of a bummer, really. I was looking forward to writing abstractions. My professor suggested I write a paper on "as." I thought this was genius, and discussed the topic with Matt. But once it was out of my mouth, I didn't want to put it on paper. Basically, "as" is a labeling term, a term another uses to define you rather than a self-defining term. Whatever. If you disagree, shut me up.
Anyway, so I'm back from Spring Break and I'm finding myself bored. It's like spring break taught me more about myself and the world in one week than I've learned all semester. Then there's that nagging feeling that I'm not going to get much out of the rest of the year. Maybe it's just paranoia or insecurity, but when my professors speak now, I feel like I've already heard it. My depersonalization disorder kicks in and I scoot away to fairer lands. It's sad, really. I was so excited and empassioned by their voices, stories, and information, in the beginning. The honeymoon phase has definately ended and if I want this relationship to maintain a simmer for 2 more months, I'm going to have to spice it myself. Damn! But, on the plus side, I'm almost done. Whoot whoot!
Another thing knockin around, besides literally freaking out about not having unique ideas, is this whole Twitter craze. Really people?! Like facebook, myspace, texting, and a cell phone aren't enough? This shit is replacing good 'ole face-to-face interaction. Even I, Little Miss Amish, has given serious thought to breaking down and getting a cell phone. But it's kind of like interpersonal interaction is a "relationship" and texting is just "casual sex." And I'm getting to an age where I want more than just a quick orgasm. Granted, quickies have their place, but I want all night lovin and a cuddle in the morning. I'm even willing to work on my self and my communication skills to make it happen. Hell, I deserve more, and I think you do, too. So, I'll continue to refrain from buying an iPhone and joining the Twitter hype. Besides, I'm a leader, not a follower.
Lastly, why do I feel the need to keep busy? Why can't I learn to relax? Is it some social gender construction? Is it my personality? Is it the looming fear of labeling? Damn. I just want to chill for a minute without judging myself, ya know?
Anyway, so my blog isn't turning out to be an answer to my professor's challenge. It's kind of a bummer, really. I was looking forward to writing abstractions. My professor suggested I write a paper on "as." I thought this was genius, and discussed the topic with Matt. But once it was out of my mouth, I didn't want to put it on paper. Basically, "as" is a labeling term, a term another uses to define you rather than a self-defining term. Whatever. If you disagree, shut me up.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Spring Break 2009
I needed to come home. I have a tendency to lose myself and need to be reminded every now and then of where I come from, of who I am. As soon as I stepped off the plane, I saw Meex & Wap. Damn boy got big! :-) At first he acted shy (I know, right?!) but then he came up and hugged me and latched on. Of course I cried.
That night (Saturday) my sisters and I went to the bar and ran into a couple women we knew, just be luck of the draw. We were having such a blast that the bar poured us a round of shots on the house! That's never happened before. I'm givin credit to Meex.
The rest of the week was pretty chill and the weather was fanfuckintastic. I bummed around my sister's house and played with the boys, even went to the Parade. Omar can talk so well now and Naba is tall. Trenton lost a tooth and Menominee is still doin his "Everybody hates me!" routine. Love it!
I didn't know what to think about Karie. I didn't really get to see much of her, which is odd since she's so close, but whatever. We both know what's up and that my door is always open to her.
I ran to the rez to see my old preschool room. The kids hadn't changed a bit, but the room and teacher definately had. It was a little odd being in the room that was once mine and Nikki's, but it was cool seeing the changes. They were all very positive. And I gotta admit I missed some of the staff members. ;-)
I hung out with John, an old roommate I hadn't seen in years. 7 years to be exact. It was nice and fun but that's too long to not see people I care about. So, I've decided I'm going to push seeing Josh this summer, and if no one wants to go, I'll make the drive myself.
Today is my last day here, and I'm sad. Of course I'm sad. My heart is breaking all over again and I did it to myself. I knew what my choices would lead me to, and yet....I don't regret coming home, not at all, but I do regret some of the things I did (or didn't do), and that's what weighs on my mind. It went too quickly.
I'm not looking forward to the Minnesotan weather or all those damn papers I tried (and failed) to write before I left. But, on the other hand, I learned a couple things about myself (and human nature) on this trip, I made some decisions that needed to be made, and reconnected with an old friend. So I guess I cut my losses, huh? Ian once said I shouldn't think so much, so if anyone has any ideas on how I can make that happen, hell, I'm listening.
That night (Saturday) my sisters and I went to the bar and ran into a couple women we knew, just be luck of the draw. We were having such a blast that the bar poured us a round of shots on the house! That's never happened before. I'm givin credit to Meex.
The rest of the week was pretty chill and the weather was fanfuckintastic. I bummed around my sister's house and played with the boys, even went to the Parade. Omar can talk so well now and Naba is tall. Trenton lost a tooth and Menominee is still doin his "Everybody hates me!" routine. Love it!
I didn't know what to think about Karie. I didn't really get to see much of her, which is odd since she's so close, but whatever. We both know what's up and that my door is always open to her.
I ran to the rez to see my old preschool room. The kids hadn't changed a bit, but the room and teacher definately had. It was a little odd being in the room that was once mine and Nikki's, but it was cool seeing the changes. They were all very positive. And I gotta admit I missed some of the staff members. ;-)
I hung out with John, an old roommate I hadn't seen in years. 7 years to be exact. It was nice and fun but that's too long to not see people I care about. So, I've decided I'm going to push seeing Josh this summer, and if no one wants to go, I'll make the drive myself.
Today is my last day here, and I'm sad. Of course I'm sad. My heart is breaking all over again and I did it to myself. I knew what my choices would lead me to, and yet....I don't regret coming home, not at all, but I do regret some of the things I did (or didn't do), and that's what weighs on my mind. It went too quickly.
I'm not looking forward to the Minnesotan weather or all those damn papers I tried (and failed) to write before I left. But, on the other hand, I learned a couple things about myself (and human nature) on this trip, I made some decisions that needed to be made, and reconnected with an old friend. So I guess I cut my losses, huh? Ian once said I shouldn't think so much, so if anyone has any ideas on how I can make that happen, hell, I'm listening.
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