edited email to Mr. Bob

you "scoff" at knowledge being the enemy of faith, huh? lol...i love you! i know it's the religious clamor for life-sustaining technology, and I also agree with you that they fear death, which I do no understand. life and death not only make the cornerstone of religion, they're the only truths in this world. we are born and we die. however, without this fear of death there would be no need for religion? and what's with this almost-obsessive need to live altruistically? Why do we avoid hurting one and not another? What is to come of selective emotional availability?

What I've taken into myself this summer is a lesson on self-committment. After John and I broke up I pretty much lost my shit. Meex said she's never seen me so emotional over a partner, not even after 4 years of abuse and ego-damage with Aaron. I think the reason for this is because, for the first time in my adult life, I was honest, faithful, and vulnerable to myself and my partner. I allowed myself, for the first time, to really fall in love. It's sad to say that, at 30 years old, I've only been in love once, and to a man who really didn't deserve it.

All I can say is that this heartbreak, as boring as it is, changed me, for better or worse. I'm done with loving others just for the sake of loving them. I'm done with giving myself wholly to people in hopes that they will honor my attempt with similar respect and courtesy. i'm done trying to live my life good for other people. William Blake wrote "Love seeketh not itself to please" which i totally believed in until this summer. Now I think love seeketh only itself to please because it cannot please others until itself is satisfied. i know this is a tangent, and i'm still trying to figure things out, but i'm working on it.

I'm done with a lot of bullshit, including others who live their lives for fear of God or fear of death. I told a certain friend of mine that I like him because he gives me freedom, which most people cannot do because they're afraid. He asked afraid of what and I said afraid of being inferior, being left behind, or being hurt. Giving another person complete freedom requires strength and confidence. He said he never thought of it like that and, honestly, neither had I til that moment. Cormac McCarthy wrote "they only fear dying in bed" and he didn't mean it as in afraid of dying while fucking, he meant fear that they would die in their sleep, while they were not out living. I think, if I'm going to pick any fear to have from now on, that will be it.

Death

I can see those mischevious lil creatures roamin' 'round this house, stirring up trouble to take the focus away from their motivation. Who knew death was so polite?

LOVE!!! and learn to love it

My Quote, Dammit

Why hang another man's quote when the key to life lies within your own heart and mind?

murder

If I kill a man, will it really matter to anyone other than him?

question

is a committment really necessary to anyone but yourself? if you hold true to you, won't you hold true to others? don't cave in to their insecurities

welcome to the dark side

I adore stories that begin “Once upon a time.” They assume all that is sacred in human nature: love, resiliency, and a happy ending. But, if you’re hoping for a fancy scripted The End at the close of this tale, stop now. You will not find it. True, my life has been full of magic, as has yours. I do not want to ever diminish the wonder that has captivated me at certain crossroads. I, too, can pinpoint moments where God has delivered Himself to me in an effort to strengthen my faith. I’ve known time-bending, pure, unconditional love. I’ve laughed so hard my jaw quivered and my belly ached for days afterward. I’ve held moments too chaste to be anything less than holy.
However, it’s been told to me that hell is not a physical location but, rather, a self-design. It is a place created by my own psyche. If this is true, then the same can be said of heaven. I’ve witnessed heaven, but have been rejected by hell. And trust me when I say there is no torture greater than the devil’s intolerance.
When I was a little girl I didn’t know life could offer such regret. Do I miss the ignorance? To be honest, some times. There are months when I forget to giggle and my eyes don’t shine. But, for the whole, knowing my threshold for life is far more rewarding than make-believe affections. I rely on this knowledge, thrive in it, even. Some would say it is my shield against virtue, for your innocence terrifies me. It is unpredictable and inexperienced. Besides, the cannibal inside me devoured my childhood too long ago and my skin burns in the light, so I shield myself in the shadows. It’s justifiable. Humans are deviant creatures; far more absurd, irrational, and dangerous than any other ever dreamt. This I understand because of my familiarity in shaking hands with the demons. I know their voices, their gaits, and the residue of a defeated soul.